depressing

I feel as if Edward Cullen has broke up with me after reading the Twilight series.... Its so depressing that its over.

God, where are you? I know you are there, I hear you knocking and quietly easing my burden and heartache… I do not see you. I am fragile and sensitive. However, you know this. You know I need you to move into the driver seat and take over.

Motions are present and actions are small but alive. It is a quiet pulse in the background that gently reminds me of your strength. The strength that appears just in time to dry the tears and encourage my belief into one more step.

Does it make a difference? In the end, will it matter? What do I have that I can give you today except for what is so precious it hurts me to truly turn it over to you? I am afraid of the answers when I search deep.

Confusion…Anxiety…separation, they are sad and harsh.

As the clouds disappear in the distance, I realize that I am chasing the sunset. The beautiful horizon minimizes into streaks of gold and bright orange. The contrast is surreal and unimaginable.

It is then that I am reminded of you and how you are gone from me. You left before you and I shared this new sunset…a world I find myself in today. Life has to be more than just chasing sunsets and experiences. We run around in blind corners of the world in a game we will never control or have power over.

What is it we want, what is it we strive for, why do we push ourselves to the extreme for stuff, power, money, and a fake happiness? We get to a comfort level in this dollhouse world we call reality. We then take a quick peak outside of our body and wake up to ourselves chasing the sunset.

May I ask, for what? It doest matter. In the end, our timeline is established and set. We have a limited number of sunsets that we will see, a limited number of falling stars, a limited number of new beginnings and endings.

Its wrong…everything about it is wrong. You should be here, you should be with me, I need your advice, I need your thoughts and I need you to make me laugh…. I need a hug to tell me it is okay.

Nevertheless, here I sit, looking out my window all the while knowing I am chasing the sunset.

pain is said to be temporary...so what is the timeline for how long?

sorrow and grief is said to be a process...so where is the guide to how to handle these emotions?

I can't be the first. I know I wont' be the last...so what is the deal?

Finding oneself

I haven't been around lately....to write or to feel. My last post was on graduation..well, I graduated in time.... in time to be glad of who was there that is. Eight months after finding out my mom had cancer (July 07) she moved in with me so I could help take care of her. She gave up the battle and died of cancer on April 15th. My sister, my aunt and I were all present when she passed and to say its hard to say goodbye is an understatement. 12 days later....my father had a brain hemorrhage caused by his high blood pressure and died. When you do the math, it was only 9 days after we buried my mom. Not nearly enough time to begin to even grieve for one parent, much less both.

He was not my biological father, but he was the best thing in his place. My real father I have never known. I always felt as if I was missing out on something by not knowing him. I know the truth now. I never missed out on anything. A real man came in his place to take care of me and raise me...I would give anything to hear him laugh just once more.

Death.... so destructive to ones heart and entire life balance.

Life or death is never what you expect. I feel alone and disillusioned. I thought in March that my mother may pass away after several last minute emergency room trips because of pain and inability to breathe but didn't expect to be parent less this year.

I wish I was a bit younger or a bit older...if I was younger perhaps I would be able to replace them with another figure in my life....if older, maybe at the point where you don't have a gaping hole from the fact that their gone.

I can't find myself. I am stuck inside emotionless, sorrowful and quiet. Its as if its the quiet after the storm yet there is no sunshine in sight. Regrets, wishes, memories and sadness...those are the days of my life.