Finding oneself

I haven't been around lately....to write or to feel. My last post was on graduation..well, I graduated in time.... in time to be glad of who was there that is. Eight months after finding out my mom had cancer (July 07) she moved in with me so I could help take care of her. She gave up the battle and died of cancer on April 15th. My sister, my aunt and I were all present when she passed and to say its hard to say goodbye is an understatement. 12 days later....my father had a brain hemorrhage caused by his high blood pressure and died. When you do the math, it was only 9 days after we buried my mom. Not nearly enough time to begin to even grieve for one parent, much less both.

He was not my biological father, but he was the best thing in his place. My real father I have never known. I always felt as if I was missing out on something by not knowing him. I know the truth now. I never missed out on anything. A real man came in his place to take care of me and raise me...I would give anything to hear him laugh just once more.

Death.... so destructive to ones heart and entire life balance.

Life or death is never what you expect. I feel alone and disillusioned. I thought in March that my mother may pass away after several last minute emergency room trips because of pain and inability to breathe but didn't expect to be parent less this year.

I wish I was a bit younger or a bit older...if I was younger perhaps I would be able to replace them with another figure in my life....if older, maybe at the point where you don't have a gaping hole from the fact that their gone.

I can't find myself. I am stuck inside emotionless, sorrowful and quiet. Its as if its the quiet after the storm yet there is no sunshine in sight. Regrets, wishes, memories and sadness...those are the days of my life.