God, where are you? I know you are there, I hear you knocking and quietly easing my burden and heartache… I do not see you. I am fragile and sensitive. However, you know this. You know I need you to move into the driver seat and take over.

Motions are present and actions are small but alive. It is a quiet pulse in the background that gently reminds me of your strength. The strength that appears just in time to dry the tears and encourage my belief into one more step.

Does it make a difference? In the end, will it matter? What do I have that I can give you today except for what is so precious it hurts me to truly turn it over to you? I am afraid of the answers when I search deep.

Confusion…Anxiety…separation, they are sad and harsh.

As the clouds disappear in the distance, I realize that I am chasing the sunset. The beautiful horizon minimizes into streaks of gold and bright orange. The contrast is surreal and unimaginable.

It is then that I am reminded of you and how you are gone from me. You left before you and I shared this new sunset…a world I find myself in today. Life has to be more than just chasing sunsets and experiences. We run around in blind corners of the world in a game we will never control or have power over.

What is it we want, what is it we strive for, why do we push ourselves to the extreme for stuff, power, money, and a fake happiness? We get to a comfort level in this dollhouse world we call reality. We then take a quick peak outside of our body and wake up to ourselves chasing the sunset.

May I ask, for what? It doest matter. In the end, our timeline is established and set. We have a limited number of sunsets that we will see, a limited number of falling stars, a limited number of new beginnings and endings.

Its wrong…everything about it is wrong. You should be here, you should be with me, I need your advice, I need your thoughts and I need you to make me laugh…. I need a hug to tell me it is okay.

Nevertheless, here I sit, looking out my window all the while knowing I am chasing the sunset.

pain is said to be temporary...so what is the timeline for how long?

sorrow and grief is said to be a process...so where is the guide to how to handle these emotions?

I can't be the first. I know I wont' be the last...so what is the deal?

Finding oneself

I haven't been around lately....to write or to feel. My last post was on graduation..well, I graduated in time.... in time to be glad of who was there that is. Eight months after finding out my mom had cancer (July 07) she moved in with me so I could help take care of her. She gave up the battle and died of cancer on April 15th. My sister, my aunt and I were all present when she passed and to say its hard to say goodbye is an understatement. 12 days later....my father had a brain hemorrhage caused by his high blood pressure and died. When you do the math, it was only 9 days after we buried my mom. Not nearly enough time to begin to even grieve for one parent, much less both.

He was not my biological father, but he was the best thing in his place. My real father I have never known. I always felt as if I was missing out on something by not knowing him. I know the truth now. I never missed out on anything. A real man came in his place to take care of me and raise me...I would give anything to hear him laugh just once more.

Death.... so destructive to ones heart and entire life balance.

Life or death is never what you expect. I feel alone and disillusioned. I thought in March that my mother may pass away after several last minute emergency room trips because of pain and inability to breathe but didn't expect to be parent less this year.

I wish I was a bit younger or a bit older...if I was younger perhaps I would be able to replace them with another figure in my life....if older, maybe at the point where you don't have a gaping hole from the fact that their gone.

I can't find myself. I am stuck inside emotionless, sorrowful and quiet. Its as if its the quiet after the storm yet there is no sunshine in sight. Regrets, wishes, memories and sadness...those are the days of my life.

I am two weeks away from graduating... Its about time! All these years of school at night can be draining...

I don't know if the excitement has hit yet.. I guess because I am writing so many papers to graduate :)

cute joke

What is the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time." A southern fairy tale begins with, "You wont believe this sh*t."

All's well that ends well....right?.....well sorta.

My sissy and I went to dinner a few nights ago for her bday. We started talking about the "good ole days" You know what that is right? Its what we define as anything prior to your current situation because we are so damned stressed about our current situation it cannot possibly be even remotely considered good...

So back to the good ole days. The good ole days we were referring to at this point in our life were when we were about 15, 16. Back then, (you know the good ole days) we didn't consider it good but now we love to look back on that time and laugh about our situations. We were so funny at that age. But, we were free, loving and gave a lot of ourselves to everyone around us. We had not been through enough hurt in our life at that point to be close minded. We believed... And belief felt good.

So conversation continues and the song comes up that we always used to think of old friends, family members, boyfriends. What might have been? Good question. What might have been?
Can I consider an answer to this? If I could live two lives and compare the two at the end of my existence, would I? What about a price tag to this option, not sure if its worth a price, but if it was free at no cost to me at all, would I do it?

It would be very tempting...

But would it create a comparison that should never be considered? One person's life better than another? Does fate happen or do instances and experience's create our future opportunities?

Religion would argue that we are what God wants us to be so therefore there could not be a difference in two separate lives. I don't know if I agree with that entirely. Do we always end back at square one? Do we find a new path? Yes I think we do. Interesting... If I believe that theory, then what might have been can never be officially answered... We will never know.. Will we?

Is it okay to compare your significant other to previous significant others or others significant others?

I could be normal but then again I could be very crazy by sometimes thinking about this...

are we born good or evil?

Things sometimes change with time and sometimes they don't. Part of the reason I left my initial blog was related to people...

People are still relatively all selfish a**holes. Quote me.. it appears a fact.

"and in the universe even that which is called evil, when it is regulated and put in its own place, only enhances our admiration of the good; for we enjoy and value the good more when we compare it with the evil" - augustine

gambling

I've never really been a big gambler... I've always thought its a waste of money and that my conservative butt should just get out and work hard for my money and then spend it wisely in order to achieve financial freedom or success.

Gambling is risky...you can lose your shirt...And all those movies about the people who win big with gambling and the lottery end up with all these crazy problems later in life that I've never wanted it.... And I don't look like they do ever so there must be a "type" of lotto winner in order to win.

BUT... You can win really big. And it would feel great for just a little while and how else could I feel that kind of financial satisifaction. Don't get me wrong, the job pays the bills, but what if???? What if???? So I really started thinking about the risk and winning big.

So... I go to the local store where you can buy them and of course, it would happen to me, The machine is BROKEN!!

The fleeting opportunity came and left in a blink of an eye. It took me days, weeks, months oh all right - years to get up the courage to buy a ticket and the odds of it being broken at that EXACT moment are like what 1 and 50 gazillion?

I've always believed things happen for a reason so I have no reason to doubt that I would have won the lotto, become a drug addict, wrecked my car, been in and out of rehab, cursed my family and shot my dog, spent all my money because it would have been a big burden, so it's all better for me not to win anyhow.

Pay it forward....

Huge concept. If only everyone would believe and act on this theory. But then, we would all be the same and life wouldn't be as complicated to get through. There is something about the low valleys we go through in life that make the mountains fantastic.

I still like the concept. Maybe I will try it on someday.

Do you ever wonder if dreams are some significant part of our lives that we all overlook? I have always wondered about dreams. Are they really our biggest fears or biggest wish at a certain time in our life?

Are they subconscious thoughts that we have and somehow dreaming them makes them partial reality?

What about the weird dreams that are so bizarre that you really have no explanation at all? I always say, I must have been running a fever or had something really great to eat for dinner when I have those.

But still I wonder....

If anyone feels so strongly to exercise their right for freedom of speech to burn a flag or curse a solider then pack your stuff and get to a country similiar to where the soliders are currently.

The soliders fought for you to say what you say but instead of running your mouth on something stupid that you don't deserve, you need to go sleep in a cot in Iraq in the middle of the summer. Then eat your own words and shut up!

I wish I had more time for myself to do things like write in this blog. I am at least living, so that is a start to why I don't have time.

The kids learned how to ski. They did it better than I did. Of course, they are naturally talented and I am absolutely not talented with extracurricular sports.

I have spring fever....I want a sunny day and a tan.

Life has kept me pretty busy lately. I haven't been able to post but have thought so many times about what I really want to write about.

I had a longer blog but it was discovered so I had to change everything around and sometimes I feel that I can't really write for fear of discovery again.

I miss my friends and the comfort zone I had with myself last year at this time. Where did it all go within a year?

I don't have a new years resolution. I am still trying to determine if I am on the right path first.

Curious Thoughts!

Having kids was the best thing I ever did with my life. They are truly an inspiration to me and keep me going.

I am so very proud of them. I can't tell them or hug then enough for it!

Have you ever wished you could go back in time and change something? I don't mean lots of things, just one decision. Just that one that had a huge butterfly effect that it was unstoppable. I have a few of those.

Some I am embarrassed about. I am a grown woman with 2 kids depending upon me and here I am remembering times when I acted as if I was a nineteen year old. I think of those times now and wonder "what was wrong with me?" My actions could have hurt someone and I didn't even think through it.

It's never too late to turn life around and never go back to those choices that had huge butterfly aftermaths that were dangerous in theirself...

Life Lesson to self: Be strong. Forget the past. Its the past for a reason. You've come a long way baby to let those thoughts interfere with where you are going and how much you should be proud of yourself.

Do you ever feel like you are a victim of the House episode in real life? Doctors assuming you have one symptom and then 5 visits and 20 prescriptions later you have some of the same symptoms and new symptoms along with a new found liking or disliking of some drugs?

Makes me think..........

I know I always think I am right but I dont know how to change this. I feel like I grew up way to early in my teenage life. I depended for the most part soley on myself to make decisions. Frankly when you do that for twenty years you start to feel like you've made it this far on your own you must be doing everything right.

Can't help it. I know it... I don't think I can change this part of me.

Is there such a thing as too much of an anal retentive? I cleaned the kitchen tonight with one half of a piece of paper towel and used every last possible available spot with the towel.

I am either becoming very economical, cheap or something exciting needs to come in and revitalize my life so I have more to brag about...